Recognizing abuse is the first step to get help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is harmful. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, you can get the help you need.

Signs that you’re in an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and toxic. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.

Humiliation –

An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you’re worthless and that no one else will want you, you’re less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Dominance –

Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and your family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

Isolation –

In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats –

Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even your pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, le false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation –

Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don’t obey, there will be violent consequences.To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Do You:

Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
Feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Your Partner’s belittling behavior or threats

Does your partner:

Humiliate or yell at you?
Putting you down and criticizing you?
Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
Blame you for their own abusive behavior?
See you as property or a sexual object, rather than as a person?
Your partner’s violent behavior or threats?

Does your partner:

Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
Force you to have sex?
Destroy your belongings?
Your partner’s controlling behavior?

Does your partner:

Act excessively jealous and possessive?
Control where you go or what you do?
Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
Constantly checking up on you?

• Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse.
• Abusers show that they lost control because they were so angry and they will make the victim realize that it is their fault.
• He will usually blame his violent and abusive behavior on you: Somehow, his violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
• Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred.
• Abuser will use tactics to make you feel bad about yourself or consider you defective in some way.
• Abuser will erode your self-esteem and make you realize you’re worthless and that no one else will want you so you accept abuse as your fate.
• They provoke women for a reaction, and then claim it as evidence of mental instability, which implies it’s the victim who is at fault.
• Perpetrators who can justify their behaviors are at an increased risk of future perpetration.

White Ribbon Pakistan believes in the ideology of working together with the government as a partner based on the model of public-social-private partnership: state being the prime responsible entity for social development can provide enabling environment and space and we as a social development organization can implement the development agenda of government more economically, efficiently and effectively at the grassroots level. Thus since its inception, the campaign has undertaken various collaborative development interventions with a prime focus on women’s rights.

Following our model of public-private partnership, we have partnered with National Commission on Status of Women (NCSW) – a government institute with a mandate to review and analyze the laws and policies and consequently formulating recommendations for legislation through dialogue and research.

White Ribbon is running the #iPledge digital campaign asking men from all occupations to pledge their allegiance to eradicate violence against women in every possible form. It is a reassurance to oneself that, “By wearing the white ribbon, I pledge never to commit, never to excuse, and never to remain silent about violence against women.

I pledge to stop violence against women. @AskWhiteRibbon #iPledge

White Ribbon annually marks International Day of Eradicating Violence Against Women; every year on 25th of November, the day, also known as “White Ribbon Day”. We initiate different activities at national level aiming to combat violence against women from every nook and corner of the country. The activities continued till 10th of December as “16 Days of Activism” which is planned and implemented to aware the maximum number of people about true status of women according to our religion, cultural norms and traditions.

To contribute towards the prevention of violence against women takes more than simply being a non-violent man. It requires a complete understanding of the factors that contribute to violence directed toward women. As a result, it is imperative to change, and adopt updated beliefs and attitudes in order to align behavior with the ongoing effort to eliminate violence.

Fatherhood serves such a purpose. A responsible father is not only non-violent but also dedicated to ending violence against women. Fathers are in a prime position to react to issues of masculinity and gender discrimination because of their close relationships with their wives and children. Nonviolent people can do much more than be nonviolent; they can effectively prevent violence.

Generations ago, we thought every father to be a ‘traditional model’ father- their work was to work outside their homes and to be a reliable economic provider by being a ‘breadwinner’ for the entire family. It was not expected of them to contribute more than just a minimal amount of work. With the evolving concept of ‘fatherhood’, this notion was shattered. Men are responsible along with women for bringing up and nurturing children. For the past 30 years, this concept of ‘fatherhood’ has been receiving much attention with revelations that dads occupy a major role in parenting and also in ending gender-based violence.
It has been shown that fathers who are involved in the lives of their children have the ability to make them understand the importance of healthy and equality-based relationships. It can be rightly said that fathering is one of the most effective catalysts for ending gender-based violence. Fatherhood can also be a transformational experience for role models who grew up without such role models in their childhood.

Such a shift and transformation of fatherhood is a positive impact of feminism. As women have begun working outside the home, they also expect their male counterparts to do their share of domestic work and childcare. Changing that perspective is not just relevant for children, but also for women. Keeping in mind the development and upbringing of their children can be a powerful motivator for men who engage in violence, for them to stop it. It is widely regarded as a long-term solution to ending violence.
We will be able to witness less violence in society as more men focus on caregiving, nurturing, and making efforts to bring up their kids as better human beings. It will ultimately result in less violence against children, less violence against women and less violence against other men.

Many studies have clearly shown that children of involved fathers are more likely to demonstrate more cognitive competence on standardized intellectual assessments (Lamb 1987; Radin 1994) and have higher IQ’s (Gottfried et al., 1988; Honzik, 1967; Radin 1972; Shinn, 1978).
Furthermore, children of involved fathers are more likely to enjoy school (National Center for Education Statistics, 1997), have positive attitudes toward school (Flouri, Buchanan, & Bream, 2002; Flouri, 2005), participate in extracurricular activities, and graduate. They are also less likely to fail a grade, have poor attendance, be suspended or expelled, or have behaviour problems at school.

Children of involved fathers are more likely to have higher levels of economic and educational achievement, career success, occupational competency, better educational outcomes, higher educational expectations, higher educational attainment, and psychological well-being.
Children of involved fathers are more likely to demonstrate a superior tolerance for stress and frustration (Mischel, Shoda, & Peake, 1988), have superior problem solving and adaptive skills (Biller, 1993), be more playful, resourceful, skilful, and attentive when presented with a problem (Mischel et al., 1988), and are better able to manage their emotions and impulses in an appropriate manner. Father involvement contributes significantly and independently to adolescent happiness (Flouri & Buchanan, 2003a).

If we consider all such facts from a biological perspective, we would be rather surprised to find that even biology supports effective parenting. Hormonal studies have revealed that dads show increased levels of oxytocin during the first weeks of their babies’ lives. This hormone, sometimes called the “love hormone,” increases feelings of bonding among groups. Dads get an oxytocin boost by playing with their babies, according to a 2010 study published in the journal Biological Psychiatry.

Fatherhood also leads to declines in testosterone, the “macho” hormone associated with aggressive behaviour.
All in all, it can be said that,
Involved dads = Successful children